My Blog

Having a minor op has been a reminder to me to be grateful for many things in life! Having just had my stitches out and feeling much more ‘normal’ again, I wanted to share my thoughts and why I have been quieter than usual.

Just over 2 weeks ago I had surgery on my left shoulder for an impingement and arthroscopic release. It has been causing me a great deal of pain and limited my movement for many months. Physio and medication had not been effective and so the operation was booked. I tend to have low blood pressure and after a general anaesthetic, I know it can be very low. I did let them know at the hospital and they suggested they gave me a nerve blocker directly into my shoulder so that less GA would be needed. I was pleased to be having the operation as I had the same challenge with my right one a number of years ago, had the same procedure and made a full recovery.

Nonetheless, I was still anxious going down to theatre. Yet again I experienced the ‘small difference’ in nursing care that made all the difference. The healthcare assistant, Linda, who took me down to theatre was a gem. She sensed my anxiety and instead of the classic ‘don’t worry, don’t be nervous’ negative comments, that make you worry and be nervous, Linda chatted on about anything! What made a huge difference, was that as she chattered away she maintained a gentle touch on me throughout. So comforting!

When I came around and went back to my room, I felt very weird. The effect of my numb arm and shoulder felt like a huge weight on my chest. I wiggled my fingers that I thought were up by my right shoulder in a sling – yet the covers moved by my waist. I had been warned that my arm would simply hang until the nerve blocker eased off. Wow – did it make me appreciate how restricting it must been to lose all sensation in a limb. It felt so incredibly heavy and yet also like nothing was there all at the same time. The simplest of tasks were difficult, e.g. taking the top off my toothpaste. I stayed overnight in hospital until they managed the pain relief. I hardly slept though – until about 5 a.m. only to be woken at 6.30 a.m for observations to be taken and offered a drink! This is still part of hospital routine that amazes me. Sleep and rest are vital for recovery, yet we get woken. I admit that they did leave me to sleep the rest of the morning, for which I was grateful.

My partner then took over as my nurse and carer in every way at home. He can tell when I feel unwell as my usual, idiosyncrasies such as liking the bed made in a certain way, just do not matter to me! I did not want to move. I felt exhausted and needed strong drugs. I got home Sunday afternoon and I was due to speak in Manchester on Thursday!

Thanks to great nursing by my man, I made it! I literally got out of bed on Wednesday; a friend did my hair for me and then we went to a hotel in Manchester, where I got straight into bed. Next morning, still heavily drugged and unable to cope with my bra strap on my left shoulder, I managed to speak to 100 midwives at a BJM conference. It is the only time I have spoken when I needed the lectern to hold onto!  I did it and was pleased I had managed to do so. I had completely underestimated the effects of post-op.

I was taken straight back to bed and stayed there for the next three days. I hardly looked at my emails or social media. The highlight was a bedroom picnic that my sister and niece brought round and shared together.

On Monday morning my partner tackled the M56 traffic jams to go back to Manchester with me, as I was speaking to NW commissioners for Children and Young People’s services. My aim was to show them that perinatal mental health is everyone’s business. I had a two hour slot and was told my objective was achieved. I hope to get the opportunity to speak to other such groups around the country.

Next stop was in Widnes where I was to speak as part of a conference organised by Halton HIT (Health Improvement Team) for World Mental Health Day. I shared my story and encouraged the delegates that we all, as individuals, have a role to play in reducing stigma around mental health. I missed most of the programme apart from a fascinating talk by Anita Morris, a psychologist, who is doing amazing work with people around their emotional health, using birds of prey! Take a look at Hack Back.

World Mental Health Day is one of great relevance to me. It arguably changed the course of my life. The night I walked the streets of Runcorn in just my nightdress due to a mental illness, I was found on a church doorstep – I was seeking the peace of mind I saw in some of the mothers who attended the Mums and Tots group I attended there. Once recovered, it seemed appropriate to go to a service there on World Mental Health Day – 18 years ago now! From a spontaneous talk I gave that day, that lead to further invitations to speak and the suggestion to write a book. Now two books later and 11 years of a speaking career, I still am keen to support events on this day – even when I am still under the effects of post-op.

The following day we were back on the M62 for me to speak to midwifery students at Huddersfield University! I admit that I had a sob before I got out of bed. I seemed a huge effort to go. My man asked what was wrong – ‘everything and nothing’ was my reply! I knew I had a choice to make. Go or stay. In all the years I have been speaking I have never not turned up for a booking and I wasn’t about to change that. I knew with some pain relief and the support of my partner, I could do it. I admitted to the students that I had shed a tear that morning. Later one sent me this message

‘Hi Elaine I am a 2nd year student midwife at Huddersfield…..I just want to say thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences yesterday.  Also, thank you so much for telling us about your little cry yesterday morning……for how much of a beautiful, strong and inspiring woman you are, it made me and probably others feel ‘normal’ lol! I hope this will add to my passions, commitment and sense of humour (your sense of humour was ‘well-good’ by the way!).’

I was glad I had made the effort. I also had the comment from my partner that I managed to cope outside to others yet once I could rest at home, I went to the complete extreme. He had a point. On the drive back I had a few winks then was so pleased to find I had some energy! Rather than go back to bed I actually pottered around. The rest of the week, I have been able to reduce the amount of pain killers and gradually have felt my usual zest for life return. I saw the physio on Wednesday who was stunned at what I had done. He said most people need at least 14 days off work with the operation I’d had.

On reflection, these last two weeks have been about balance and perspective. I know I got the balance incorrect after the operation. Instead of a gradual recovery I went from sloth to fast lane and back again, several times! It wasn’t the best approach yet it was necessary due to the long standing commitments I had made. I do not have a deputy to send.

In perspective, it was a minor operation that made me grateful for the excellent healthcare we are privileged to have in this country. The anaesthetic ‘fog’ in the early days after the op reminded me of the physical exhaustion that was part of my postnatal depression. That awful ‘weight’ that makes you feel unable to carry out the basic of tasks. The emotional roller coaster of tears for no logical reason. The dependence on loved ones for your recovery. There are times that you feel you will stay like that for ever.

Then it begins to lift. At first just a tiny bit. Then you flop again. Sometime later there is a real burst and clearing … just for a while. Then after another flop, the next surge of energy gets stronger and for longer. I then find that looking back actually helps recovery. When I think back to how grotty I felt last Monday in comparison to today, I feel so pleased and grateful for my treatment from all concerned. I even almost enjoyed having my stitches taken out this morning!

So if you are struggling right now wherever you are:

• keep on asking for support and help where you need it plus show gratitude
• be kind and patient with yourself whilst also being a patient patient as your body heals
• remember that when this passes, you will have a true appreciation for your mind and body working well again.

I shall slowly pick up my messages and next events – Southport and Cheltenham this week.

Time for a little dance methinks – and what a baby-faced Ronan!

Elaine 🙂