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Tomorrow is a day in the UK when we celebrate and appreciate our mothers and the maternal bond. The tradition has its roots in Christianity when people were encouraged to visit their ‘mother’ church on the fourth Sunday in Lent.  Over the years it became a day when domestic workers, mainly daughters, were given the day off to visit their mothers. Today it is seen as a day when we come together as families and enjoy being together. Even though it has been increasingly known as Mothers’ Day, like the American festival, the true meaning comes from the world of Christianity.

In the last few weeks the shops have been full of cards and gift ideas. The florists are so busy! Bookings and treats galore for mothers are offered across the restaurants. In primary schools, the art lessons for pupils will have been to make a card for their mum. There are reminders everywhere that we should treat our mother well in some way.

Ideally the day should start with breakfast in bed; a lovely card and small gift. A relaxed day; maybe a walk and a meal out. The Sunday evening should end with cuddles on a sofa and a general feeling of love and togetherness.

For some mothers and grandmothers’ tomorrow, that is how it will be. That is wonderful. Whilst you are in that space, I encourage you to appreciate and value it.

I also encourage you to spare a thought for those for whom Mothering Sunday will be one of sad emotions.

My Grandma, Mum and I with my newborn son

I know that some of my close friends will feel so bereft this weekend because they no longer have their mother alive. The sight of the cards, etc. for them serve as a reminder of their loss. I am so blessed to still have my adored Mum. Yet I also know that we shall think of my Grandma tomorrow. She loved the spring flowers and family gatherings.

There will be some who are sad that they are apart from loved ones. It may be due to work; where people live, etc. It is a day that you feel that you ‘should’ be together and if not, there is a sense of sadness. My son is away at college and I will not be seeing him. I have been blessed that he has been home for a few days and that he has left me a card for tomorrow.

There will be some who are disappointed by the lack of acknowledgement of the day – not even a text message by a son or daughter. If they ‘forget’ to do these simple things, it can feel very hurtful. You can blame yourself as a bad mother because you feel it shows you brought them up to be selfish. Often the expression ‘it’s the thought that counts’ is very real. As a mum, you do not need expensive presents. A handmade card and a bunch of daffodils for £1 can make a huge difference. In the days of modern technology, there should be every reason why we can and do contact our mothers.

Some may argue that like other days of ‘forced merriment’, such as Valentine’s Day, that have become very commercial, we are persuaded by consumerism to express our emotions. Some may decide that they ‘don’t need to be told’ this and therefore refuse to buy a card or present. That is their choice. Yet do they actually show love and appreciation at other times?

Not everyone is blessed with a loving and close relationship with their mother/child. It is sad that arguments and differences divide families. Even if this is the case for you tomorrow, consider a simple message to say that you are thinking of them. I know that those who are without their mum/child tomorrow would wish that they were able to do that.

There will be sadness tomorrow for those whom have lost sons and daughters. This could be through miscarriage, still-birth, illness or accident at any age. In the circle of life, it seems ‘wrong’ that a child dies before their parent. I cannot begin to imagine how that feels. I know that tomorrow will be a painful day for those who long to be a mother, and as yet it has not been possible, or might never be.

For some, Mothering Sunday will be a sorrowful and maybe lonely day.

It may be a day of lack of self-worth. I know that with postnatal mental illness how useless you can feel as a mother if you have no maternal bond or attachment to your child. Here is an article from The Independent, as an example. If you find every waking hour a challenge, Mothering Sunday can magnify it.  There will be some families facing tomorrow without a loved one because she took her own life through postnatal illness. That is why I keep on keeping on about the importance of perinatal mental health. It matters. I will be back at Parliament on Monday for the next meeting of the 1001 Critical Days.

I now feel like I have sucked out all the enjoyment of the day!

If you recognise yourself in any of the above situations, what can you do?

1. Recognise that YOU are alive and appreciate what and who you have in your life. When my son left home again this morning I felt extremely sorrowful. I am not certain when I will see him again – probably a few weeks. He left with a hug and a kiss after creating some new memories together during his visit.
   

   Happy days when he was small

   For a while I felt very sorry for myself. I then put the radio on to find some cheery music – an advert played for Macmillan nurses. The theme was a mother describing how the charity had supported her when her 22-year-old son was dying from cancer. Wow! Not only did that make me cry, it also made me feel blessed. Marius has gone back to college. He is loving his life there and I have much to feel proud about. It reminded me of those who will not have their child around now or in the future.

2. Allow yourself a weep and a wallow – then do something that makes you feel better. You have choices to make. You can decide to spend the whole day completely miserable if you so desire. Yet who will that benefit in the long run? I know that I always feel better after a cry. Let that negative emotion out! Be sad; mournful; angry; disappointed – whatever it is. Then choose to be with people who understand how you may be feeling and plan to do something that eases your pain. My best tip for this involves the senses. It might be that a short time of remembering a lost loved one will be good, for example, look at photos or visit a place that was special for you both. Make the effort to wash your hair, put some clothes on that make you feel smarter and work on the basis if you look better, you may feel a little better. Get outside – the spring flowers and longer days always help to lift our spirits. Take notice of what you see; the birds singing; the fragrances around you. Eat and drink food and drink that gives you pleasure, whether that is egg and chips or steak!
3. Do something thoughtful for those whom you suspect will be feeling sad. No matter how Mothering Sunday is going to be for you, there will always be someone that is feeling less happy than you. So what can you do tomorrow to cheer them? Who do you know that will be mourning or missing a loved one? What can you do to show that you are thinking of them? Is there a lonely neighbour who has no relatives or who might be away? Can you can drop off a bunch of daffodils for them as well? Who will appreciate a ‘virtual hug’ in the morning to help them through the day? We cannot fix their pain – we can show that they are in our thoughts.

My parents and I

I know that my Mum will be excited about tomorrow. We have my brother home at the moment from his teaching jobs in Asia; my sister, brother-in-law and darling niece are around and my partner and I will be joining them and my parents for a Sunday tea. Although not all the family are together, most of us are. My Dad had a small surgical procedure successfully this week and we are all increasingly aware that we are mortal! Time spent together is precious and that is what we shall do.

So whatever you do on Mothering Sunday this year, may you have a day that you are at peace with…and that helps to produce peace in others.

With love

Elaine 🙂