My Blog

It is five years today that Clive Gott left us. At the time of his death I shared his life and his home. The sudden failure of his heart at a time when he felt very content with his world was a shock to all who knew him. I am aware that there will be others from the professional speaking world, those he influenced, his friends and some of his family, who will be remembering him fondly today. I wonder how many people thought of him as the national news showed the bridge of his hometown, Tadcaster in Yorkshire, collapsing after the floods in December? Here are a few thoughts and suggestions for those who wish to consider them.

I am extremely aware this year that I am the exact age now (plus a week) that Clive was when he died. One of his favourite songs was Benny Hill’s ‘Ernie (the fastest milkman in the west)’ and it is ironic that one of the lyrics is:

‘he was only 52 – he didn’t want to die’.

Clive didn’t want to die. He felt he had much to be grateful for and he had many plans and ideas for the future. It makes me appreciate that I also now have many plans and ideas about my future! I feel there is so much that I still have to look forward to in every aspect of my life. I have learned to be far more grateful and appreciative of every day. Clive used to joke from the platform that he was ‘glad to have woken up that morning because that was more than some people had’.

What are you grateful for in your life right now?

I have the joy of seeing my son grow into a capable and confident photography student and finding his feet as a young adult. I hope to have many more years of being a witness to all that life holds for him. Maybe someday he will give me a grandchild – no rush!

I have the love and involvement with my parents, siblings and nieces and nephews. Sophie was six at the weekend and we enjoyed her party with her friends then a family meal at a Chinese restaurant. I didn’t know what to give her as a gift. One lesson I have learned from Clive’s death was the appreciation of time. I wish I had spent more time with my son as he grew up and I know I cannot wind the clock back. I now know that the best thing I can give Sophie is my time and opportunities to create memories. I printed out a set of vouchers including things like a sleepover; an ice cream treat; a walk on a beach; a pamper. As the weeks and months pass she can trade them in with me!

I was blessed to meet another man with whom I fell in love. Clive often used to talk about ‘when he’d gone’. I know he would not have wanted me to be alone and unhappy. I didn’t want to be either – I didn’t go looking and it simply and beautifully happened. My relationship brings me great joy and there is much to plan and look forward to. I have learned to value the here and now much more.

I have a number a very close friends with whom I love to spend time and appreciate that some have been in my life for over 30 years! It doesn’t matter he we haven’t been in touch for a while, we simply pick up where we left off. In fact, I am having lunch with two of them today.

In the last five years my ‘friends’ have grown incredibly – like many of us who are on social media. In the very painful weeks and months after Clive’s death I shall always remain grateful to the ‘friends I had never met’ who kept me in their thoughts and sent messages of encouragement at times when they simply thought of me. It meant so very much.

Who can you send a ‘thinking of you’ message to right now? You never know how much it might be appreciated.

I love my vocation now as a speaker and author on perinatal mental health. The pain of losing Clive showed me how awful bereavement can be. That motivated me even more into wanting to make a difference to the lives of others, especially as suicide is one of the leading causes of maternal deaths. The thought of losing a mother as you gain a baby is dreadful. This inspires me to continue to raise awareness and campaign for more resources and recognition for families affected. One of Clive’s stories was to tell people of how he would see a vapour trail in the sky and wonder where the people were going. He vowed that he would one day be on aeroplanes, flying to different places and he wanted to inspire others with his vapour trails.  He achieved that with his speaking career.

As I stood in the security queue recently waiting to go into a meeting at the Houses of Parliament to talk about perinatal mental health, I saw these in the sky …..

After 11 years of spreading this message, I feel so proud of all the current awareness in the media of mental health. I look forward to seeing the rhetoric becoming new and permanent services. I want to be part of it for many years to come. This has taken a long time to get here. It hasn’t happened overnight. It has been regular small steps. Clive used to run marathons and when asked how did he run 26 miles, he reply was

‘I don’t. I run a mile 26 times, just by keep putting one foot in front of the other’.

What is it that you want to achieve and how can you break it down into small steps to get there?

Even though it is 11 years since I resigned my teaching job, I still remember the children I taught and some of my colleagues with affection. Sadly, this week I was reminded of the fragility of life with the news that one of my former pupils had died. I taught children with severe and profound learning difficulties. I still find it hard to fully understand the pain of the loss of a child, no matter what their age is. My admiration and condolences go to Dawn and her family.

One of my recent blogs was on the death of Terry Wogan. I know that many of us felt that we had lost someone close to us. I expect that his family are still receiving messages of sympathy and appreciation for his life. When Clive died I know I had many lovely messages saying what an influence Clive had made upon them. I know he would have been so pleased to read them! Why do we have to wait until someone dies to let their loved ones know what they meant to us or had impacted upon our lives?

Who can you send a card or letter to now to let them know they are valued?

You may be interested in this BBC article and information on ‘Why don’t we talk about dying’? For example, have you written your will? Do your loved ones know your wishes?  If not, why not?

I feel that the best way to remember Clive today would be by following his love of ‘random acts of kindness’. When he died I asked people who wanted to buy flowers in his memory to do so and give them to someone on his behalf. I had messages from around the world saying how this had been impactful. One of our speaker colleagues was abroad for work at the time of the funeral so they bought some flowers for the chamber maid with an explanation (of course!). She was so touched because she was feeling very low over something in her life and the gesture had really made a difference. Another person told me they took a bunch of daffodils to an elderly neighbour. It was the first visitor they had received in a number of weeks so were thrilled.

So today, five years since the man that Clive Gott was, took his last breath, let’s make his legacy one of spreading a little kindness and laughter in the world. He would love it!

Elaine 🙂