My Blog

I have just seen a clip of Ben Affleck accepting his Oscar for best film. Whilst referring to his early success with the Oscar-winning Good Will Hunting, he said: “I never thought I would be back here and I am because of so many of you who are here tonight.”

He added: “It doesn’t matter how you get knocked down in life, all that matters is that you get up.”

I love that line and find it to be true. Many congratulations to Ben too and all involved in the success of the film.

On Friday I was with a friend when she got the disappointing news that the job interview which she felt she had done well with, had not been successful. Every credit to her as she carried on to successfully complete the exciting Power Presenter workshop  that we were both part of.

Life is full of disappointments. I remember being crushed when my ‘A’ level results were not enough to get me onto a degree for speech therapy. My ‘new’ route to special needs teaching was far better in the long run. My postnatal illness after my son Marius was born, was a very bleak place for all of us involved at the time. The subsequent book and new career as a result has also opened new doors and a range of opportunities. Being his Mum has never been a disappointment though!

When I lost my partner two years ago, I also lost many hopes and plans for the future. Circumstances meant I had to change again. I now find myself on a new journey of enjoyment and opportunities in life.

I could have stayed at each stage of disappointment and drowned under the weight of negative emotions.  My speaker friend and author Paul McGee describes this as ‘Hippo time’. We all need some space and time to wallow. Some people choose to stay there and spend many years in the land of ‘what if’, ‘if only’ and blaming everything and everyone else for where they are.  Sadly, in time, they are likely to find themselves lonely and in a cycle of perpetual negativity. They expect everything be wrong, and it is.

Each disappointment that I have faced, I have chosen to get up again. It does not mean that I do not carry pain or loss, e.g. an enjoyable start to motherhood. What I have chosen is to accept that these things happened. I cannot turn back the clock or rewrite events. I have to accept they have happened, hopefully learn from them and move forward.

The support of others, as Ben acknowledges, is also crucial. I have been blessed by the unconditional support of my family and loved ones; by friends and by business colleagues, old and new.

So often we feel that we shouldn’t ask for help. That we are ‘too much trouble’ for others; that they will have forgotten us.  What is the worst that can happen if you simply ask?

I love to present on my experience and knowledge of postnatal illness.  I want and need to continue to do this. I also realise that I have to remind people of this. I have to take action to be successful.  In November, after I had been on the BBC, I sent an e-mail reminding a few people that I am still around. The response has been amazing.

A few weeks ago I went over to the Isle of Man to speak at a postnatal depression study day, as one result of that e-mail.  Several years ago one of their key team members involved in families and children heard me speak and said she wanted me to go to the island. It never happened until I reminded her last year. The time, budget and need all fell into place. I was delighted. Did you know that the Isle of Man is classed as ‘abroad’? As regards my phone it is! When I landed at the airport and switched it on, the message said that my calls and Voicemail would all be at the international rate.  So I guess I can claim again to be an ‘international speaker’ again!

The last time I was in the Isle of Man was in 1973. I was with my family helping out at a Scout camp. The day and evening before we left was spent in a leisure complex called Summerland. The next morning we returned for a lost watch and by the time we got home to Fleetwood that night, over 50 people had died in the place. I feel that is the nearest to any major disaster I have ever been.  Do you often wonder what ‘might have happened’? In the same way we have to deal with what has happened. It is wasted thought and energy wallowing over ‘what if’. So many lives did change and were lost that night.

Whilst in the Isle of Man this time, I had the pleasure to meet up with a friend of my brother who lives on the island. We hadn’t met since I left Fleetwood 34 years ago!  I also enjoyed meeting the best friend of one of my college friends. Amazing how you can feel you have known someone for years when you have only just met.

The conference for the study day was in an impressive lecture theatre in the new hospital at Douglas.  I gave my story and other examples of why maternal mental health is important. We heard an excellent presentation by Kate Kirk  on the effects of postnatal depression on children. She shared a relevant story about a teenager who described a ‘Fish moment’.

It stands for F*** It, S*** Happens! That is one way of looking at disappointments!

We then were treated to the results of a study of Barriers to Identification around postnatal illness by health visitor Michelle Banks.  I shared my new keynote on what I suggest can help mothers and what role professionals can take.  I was delighted with one testimonial from Debbie Bridson, a health visitor, who said ‘I have learnt so much which I intend to use for my work with future, and in fact existing clients…. Thank you once again for being every women’s advocate when it comes to PND.’

I feel honoured to have been there. We also heard from the Adult community Mental Health Team and their process for referral for mothers. One scheme that was mentioned was Praxis, to support families on the island.

The day concluded with Jenny Fong, who gave a great presentation on ‘An argument for early intervention’ and described some of the innovative work she is doing with other school nurses on mental health in schools.

We ended the day with a focus on the professionals themselves – you need to look after yourself so that you can help others. I am looking forward to going back later in the year.

I was also contacted by a nursery manager who is based at West Nottinghamshire College.   She wanted me to share my experiences with her team. I also had the opportunity to present to some of the HR and Student Health and Wellbeing Support teams. I had an enjoyable day with them the week before last. One of the group mentioned that they had also been inspired by another speaker friend of mine, Richard McCann,   who spoke there last year. He is another person who has also had disappointments in life, yet chosen to get up again.

I understand how fortunate and blessed I am by all this work that has come my way. Yes, I work hard, and I also realise and understand that there are many out there who are looking out for me…….. and to them I say a heartfelt thank you.

So my challenge to you, if you chose to consider it, is

1. Is there something that you have been knocked down by, that is currently weighing you down?
2. Ask yourself if you can do anything about it – if so, do it. Who can you ask for help?
3. If it is something that you cannot change, look for what you can do going forward. Ask yourself why it matters to you. What can you do, as it is ultimately down to you taking personal responsibility for your life? How and who can help you?

You may discover that the thing that has knocked you down, ultimately is the thing that pushes you back up higher.

We may not all get an Oscar in life. What we can do is to choose to go forward with a determination and positive spirit to achieve our own goals and desires.

What are yours?

Elaine