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On 1^st March it was Self Injury Awareness Day. I wanted to share some posts written by a young lady, Kerri Jones, whom I connected with after she heard me speak to her fellow nursing students at Edge Hill University. One of the parts of my story of postnatal illness includes my urge to inflict physical harm to myself when I was at the peak of crisis. Prior to that episode I had considered self-harm to be ridiculous. I could not understand why anyone would have the urge to damage their own body. I learned that when my mind is so ill and unable to process rationally, that inflicting pain on myself gave my brain a few moments of focus that calmed my chaotic mind. In recovery I also learned to be more empathetic rather than judgemental. I learned that I wanted to encourage others to seek help rather than hide. Reading Kerri’s posts reminded me of the need still to do this.

I copy and share these posts with her permission. Thank you Kerri.

1st March is self-injury awareness day.

I don’t remember how old I was when I started self harming. And I continued to harm myself throughout my life until my 30’s. I didn’t hit 30 and suddenly grow out of it. I had been working on myself and my mental health for years. 10 years under mental health services. Countless admissions to psychi units. Harming myself daily. My body will always carry these scars. They are part of me now, and I have come to accept them. They remind me of how far I have come since my breakdown back in 2006.

Milo will be 8 in 2 weeks. Which means my last hospital admission was 8 years ago. In that 8 years, I can probably count on 1 hand the amount of times I felt distressed enough to turn to self harm; that once trusted but very unhealthy and risky method that used to help me. I learned to tolerate my horrible feelings. That meant at times, lying in bed and writhing around in emotional distress that brought physical pain and discomfort. Pushing myself through that until the urge had passed. Once I did it once, I knew it was possible. I learned that the urge to harm DID always pass, eventually, without actually acting on it. The more I did it, the easier it became. I hardly ever feel that urge any more, even when I am upset, hurt, frustrated, overwhelmed, depressed. It hardly ever comes to my mind anymore as a solution. Once it was the only solution; it was the only thing that helped me. I have come such a long way since then. It will always be a part of me and a part of my story. It will probably always come and go. The difference is, I have other ways of coping now. Healthier ways. I talk about how I feel. I write how I feel. I acknowledge how I feel. I accepted my limitations. I stopped resisting. And I can therefore say, it is possible to move forward. No matter how hard things seem, they don’t stay hard forever. Hang in there no matter how horrible it feels. Because you WILL FEEL BETTER.

Nothing is forever. Never give in. Never give up on yourself. One day, you’ll be where I am and you’ll be so glad you didn’t accidentally kill yourself.

Pic of me and Milo; my little saviour

#SelfInjuryAwarenessDay #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealthawareness

 

Kerri did some amazing work to help others understand about self-harm. In her latest post she shared this – I hope it may help you to understand:

I used to do this little exercise when I was delivering training to health and social care workers on self harm. The reason I did it, was to highlight the variety of ways we all harm ourselves to an extent. And also, to help people to understand the driving forces behind self harm.

I would ask the group to stand up.

Now, sit down if…

You have ever exercised so much, that you physically hurt either during or after (ie muscle pain the day after a heavy workout).

To those still stood up…

Sit down if…

You have ever drank so much alcohol, you were ill, sick, hungover etc?

Then whoever was left, final one was…

Sit down if…

You have ever eaten that extra slice of cake, pigged out on your favourite food and stuffed your face to the point of feeling sick, being unwell, having tummy ache etc.

Not once did I ever have anyone still standing by this point.

Hopefully, it helped people to understand why someone would accept discomfort, pain, illness and potential injury because of how they felt. I’d encourage them to question; why did they get that drunk, knowing they’d be sick and knowing they’d be hungover?

Why eat the extra slice of cake even though they knew it’d make them sick?

Our emotions and feelings can be very powerful, and drive our behaviour in an irrational direction. We must remember, we are in control of how we react to our own feelings. But it doesn’t always feel that way, and the rational thinking goes out the window because we have a need for instant gratification. We think we need to act NOW to ease that craving.

I was also fascinated to read a book written by a medical doctor, who also has a journey of self-harm. She writes about her strong Christian faith too. It is worth a read.

Life After Darkness: A Doctor’s Journey Through Severe Depression, by Dr Cathy Wield.

Here are some links to other resources and places for advice and support.

NHS https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/behaviours/self-harm/getting-help/

Mind https://www.mind.org.uk/media-a/5783/self-harm-2020.pdf

Self-harm UK for 11 – 19 year olds https://www.selfharm.co.uk/

One amazing lady that I shared a speaking platform with a few years ago is a goldmine of useful information on this subject. I highly recommend Dr. Pookie Knightsmith.

I am so glad that the self-harming I did was short-lived and I have never had the urge to do so again.

Let Kerri’s experience and mine be offered as hope and encouragement.

Perhaps you may know someone who needs to read this?

Elaine 😊